The Saga of M&M: Professional Perverts
by BLS91090
Summary: A side-story to "Things Will Be Different This Time". This time, though, Matsuda and Motohama are the main characters! Join them on an adventure of a lifetime! Rated M for adult content, such as language, and also possibly lemons later on. Breaking the fourth wall may happen a lot during this fanfiction. Co-written with 'DemonHide'.
1. Chapter 1

On the tall, uncut grass surrounding the dilapidated old school building, two boys who were very out-of-place were rustling in the brush.

From their current position, the school's stylish glass front doors could be clearly seen. "Delta 1 here. I'm in position. Do you copy, over. Chk." Matsuda peeked out in a camo suit and branches stuck to his ears.

Literally right next to him, Motohama broke out of the undergrowth. He was similarly clothed. "This is Delta 2. Copy that, over. Chk." They were making fake radio transmission noises with their mouths.

They were men on a mission. A mission unlike any other. A truly brave and dangerous mission that-

"Hey, shut up, narrator!" Matsuda rudely interrupted the well-intentioned author.

"Yeah dumb-ass, don't blow our cover!" Motohama had a good point.

But what was this important task they were on?

"Hehehehe. There's only one reason why we've got ants in our pants." Matsuda hinted at something devious.

"Can we hurry this up? They're starting to bite at some weird places!" Motohama was about to be in for a world of hurt.

"All right, fine. See those stinkin' lovebirds over there near the south wall?" Matsuda pointed to a couple having some private time away from most prying eyes. "They're making out all hard-like and we're gonna catch them going even further. After reviewing the data alone in the dark for a few weeks, we'll blackmail them for money. Serves those damn couples right!"

"Yowch! MY BALLS!" Motohama felt the debilitating sting of Asian fire ants on his family jewels. "Get 'em offa me, man!" In his panicked state, he tried to run and jump to get rid of the pain.

"What the hell? Hey, don't come this way! NOOOOOO!" Matsuda and his partner in crime rolled down the hill together, leading to the building, while yelling and screaming the whole way down. Naturally, this alerted and scared off their intended targets.

Bitten, beaten and bruised, the two nutjobs learned a very important lesson: _Never interrupt the author._

* * *

"Aw man..." Matsuda sighed, thinking about their failed mission the day before.

"Don't give up hope, bro. We're in this together." Motohama's words contrasted his slumped stature and bandaged appearance.

"I dunno, man. We've been at this for so long and we still don't have girlfriends or nothin'." Matsuda's spirits were in bad shape.

"Maybe if we actually tried to be respectable members of society instead of being out for our own short-sighted greed and the misery of others, that wouldn't be a problem." Motohama and his friend pondered their situation for a long few seconds.

"Nah!" They denied reality in unison, and went to initiate Plan Provert, also known as Plan "P". When all else fails, peep for the good stuff.

"Hey, you wanna catch the kendo girls changing again? That never gets old." Matsuda suggested their go-to spot.

"You know it, brother!" Motohama high-fived him. "Too bad Issei never peeps with us anymore. He's off with his own harem full of hot chicks."

"The bastard, damn him. Well, speak of the _devil_. Look who it is!" Matsuda pointed to the man himself coming to the school grounds with his sexy entourage.

Motohama was ready to deliver the barrage. "Damn you, Pissei! Get over here so I can punch your stupid face!"

Matsuda had to hold him back. "Calm down dude, it ain't worth it. He's transcended us mere mortals and walks among the angels now." Surprisingly pretty accurate, but they wouldn't yet know.

Motohama was huffing and puffing. "Shit... You're right. Let's forget about him and just enjoy the view." He was already thinking about their favorite 'subjects'.

A female voice surprised them from behind. "And just what kind of view are you talking about?"

The two dudes turned around. The chick was Murayama! And she was with her usual partner, Katase.

Katase dashed their dreams. "The Kendo club isn't even practicing today, dumb-asses."

Matsuda fell on his dumb ass. "W-We weren't thinking about peeping, w-who would do that?"

Motohama pushed up his glasses and calculated a cool-headed response. "There's nothing wrong with enjoying the green grass and flowering trees. A perfect mirror of my pure soul."

The girls' weren't impressed. Murayama was running out of patience. "Honestly, you guys... We fend you off every week! Just give it a rest already."

Katase went further. "Or do you want us to use real swords instead?"

Matsuda flipped to his knees and begged for his sorry life. "Spare me, please! I've got 10 kids that I haven't made yet and a wife I don't have to make 'em with!"

Murayama crossed her arms. "Maybe if you actually tried to be respectable members of society instead of being-"

Motohama interrupted her. "Nah, we said "no" to that boring bullshit already."

"I think I have grandpa's sword in the club lockers somewhere." Katase was about to get it.

Matsuda choked through his tears of fear. "N-No, please! I beg you!" He grabbed onto her legs. "We just need some guidance, I swear! Use your smooth, creamy thighs to help us!" He subconsciously rubbed his cheeks into her softness.

"Ugh, get off me, you creep!" Katase tried in vain to push him away.

Motohama's quick thinking gave him an idea. "Yes... Yes that's it, just some guidance, and we'll be well on our way to becoming upstanding citizens."

Murayama seemed somewhat pleased. "I've been waiting to hear that! We at the Kendo club offer the guidance you're looking for and the discipline to follow it. The truth is, we've been losing members, in no small part due to your constant shenanigans. Join the club and we won't cut your balls off."

"Deal!" The dastardly duo didn't hesitate to agree in unison.

* * *

M&M were walking to school the very next day.

"Man." Matsuda yawned. "I can't believe we got roped into joining their stupid club."

Motohama agreed. "Yeah. It sucks. But you know what?"

Matsuda was picking his nose. "Huh?" He remained aloof.

Motohama grabbed his shoulder. "The club's full of chicks! And even better, they'll all be changing while we're changing. And even better still, there's no separate changing rooms!"

"Whoa, for real?" Matsuda came back to earth. "Hell yeah, we're gonna see some tittays!"

"All part of the master plan." Motohama's glasses glinted ominously.

Towards the end of the school day, M&M were done bullshitting with Issei and planning their world domination (which was just around the corner, like every day). They were already planning to head to the club dojo when the girls came to fetch them.

"Hello, boys." Murayama was in her club gear already.

So was Katase. "Ready to get your butts kicked again?"

"Hehe, no need to chaperone us, girls. We wouldn't miss our first day of drowning in puss-UGH!" Matsuda took a blow to the gut.

"What my honored and grateful compatriot here would like to say is that we would never bring shame upon our names by skipping out on our word." Motohama played the infallible diplomat.

"Whatever." Katase was not impressed. "Just get your asses to the club. We've prepared your gear for you."

"And your isolated changing rooms as well." Murayama didn't forget the most important consideration.

"I-Isolated?" Matsuda was shocked to the very core. "But... But... The tittays..." He fell to his knees.

Motohama did not despair. He knelt beside his friend and whispered. "Fear not, comrade. There is light at the end of this tunnel. We must first earn trust, then reap the rewards."

Still shaking somewhat, the words did get through to Matsuda. "You are right, brother." He grasped the outstretched arm. "Together, our dreams cannot be shattered."

"That's the spirit! You must believe! Believe that we'll get these ho ho ho's to sit on our north poles until there truly is a white Christmas!" Motohama shouted to the heavens.

They were knocked out by the girls standing five feet away from them. When they woke up again, their backs were on the hardwood floor of the kendo dojo.

"M-Matsuda..." Motohama croaked.

"I'm alive." Matsuda coughed hard. "Barely."

"Not for long." Katase stood over them with the entire kendo club at the ready.

Murayama stepped forward. "Your regimen of discipline... begins now!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" M&M discovered just how long and painful that tunnel to freedom was.


	2. Chapter 2

"All right, that's enough for today girls'!" Murayama called an end to the day's practice. "Good work as always, everyone."

The club members acknowledged and bowed in unison.

"One more thing." Katase finally introduced the two newest members. "The meat puppets that served as your targets today are called Motohama and Matsuda. Doesn't matter who's who, you can just call them M & M. They'll be with us for the rest of this year."

M&M were collapsed on the floor with their backs against each other and their arms limp. They tried to crack a smile but their beaten up faces exposed a bunch of loose and missing teeth. "Danks ladies... See you toborrow... urk..."

After the rest of the members left to towel off and change, the girls' in charge approached the defeated and beaten duo.

"So." Murayama looked down at them with contempt. "If you behave, you might get to learn a thing or two."

Katase chuckled. "Bruised in body and ego too, I bet. How'd you like your first day?"

"Argh! No fair!" Matsuda complained. "We're not gonna be your punching bags!"

Motohama put his glasses back on. "Yeah! What happened to our guidance? I'm going home!"

"Tsk tsk tsk." Murayama wagged her finger. "Katase, bring _that _out would you?"

Katase's grin was downright malicious. "I thought you'd never ask." She opened her dougi, nearly revealing her naked top to the delight of M&M. She brought out her grandfather's heirloom sword. M&M were not so delighted anymore.

"This is an heirloom and family treasure belonging to the dojo for educational purposes." Murayama explained how they legally circumvented the anti-sword laws. "Do you want to learn if your libido stays the same after the source of testosterone is removed?"

M&M cinched their legs together. "No, please! A-Anything but that!"

Matsuda fell on all fours and made cheeping noises. "Cheep, squeak, I'm a squirrel, I need my nuts!"

Motohama tried to dig out the floor of the dojo to store food for winter. "Cheep cheep! I like to climb trees and my preferred habitat is wooded areas in moderate to cold climes!"

Katase sighed. "God, that's too pathetic. It's just sad." She hadn't even unsheathed the sword.

Murayama got her point across. "If you understand, then don't miss a single practice. Also, stop that. Men shouldn't behave so cravenly."

Finally free to go, M&M crawled out of the dojo, getting on their feet once safe and sound outside.

"If she didn't have that sword, we could totally take her!" Matsuda was thinking outside the box here.

"If we had a sword too, then at least we'd be on even grounds. Not counting their vastly superior skills, experience, numbers, intelligence, physical fitness, tactical prowess, and -" Motohama was stopped before they really lost all hope.

"Okay okay, I get it!" Matsuda sighed. "Goddammit all. Isn't there anything we can do? There's gotta be somethin'!" Matsuda couldn't wait to get back at the girls', somehow.

"Well, we could sneak in and steal it in the dead of the night. If we formulate a plan and gather our tools, all that's left is the perfect execution." Motohama pulled through with a great idea.

"But..." Matsuda objected. "That means we'll have to do work!"

"Damn, it's impossible after all..." Motohama despaired. "Let's just go home and raid the special stash."

Work is just simply too much for them.

* * *

After a whole week of the same painful routine, the weekend that was coming up tomorrow really gave them a much-needed break. M&M were limping home yet again.

After a long silence, Matsuda spoke. "Motohama?"

"Yeah?" Motohama responded.

"I think we suck." Matsuda stated this bluntly.

"We suck giant monkey balls." Motohama agreed.

They passed by the sports field. Issei was using his devil strength to show off to Asia and the rest of the Occult Research Club. Seeing their former comrade rise to fame filled M&M with enough rage to do something crazy. Though they decided not to rain on Issei's parade at the moment.

"Matsuda, what's the opposite of sucking?" Motohama had asked his friend quite an odd question.

"Uh, blowing?" Matsuda scratched his head.

"No, you doofus!" Motohama prepared an oath. "If Issei can do it, so can we. Today, we pledge to be awesome and fuck all the chicks!"

"The hot bubble butt ones." Matsuda added that into the last thing Motohama had said. "At least to start with."

"Right! You with me, brother?!" Motohama put out a fist.

Matsuda bumped it. "To the bitter end!"

"You know what time it is!" Motohama set it up.

"Montage!" Matsuda called it.

M&M hit the gym. An inspirational 80's song about walking on razors and punching a tiger in the eye began to play. They struggled to lift the smallest dumbells from the rack, flew off the treadmill before it even started, and tripped over the rowing machine while trying to figure out what it does exactly.

30 minutes later, they left the place, and completely exhausted.

Matsuda was breathing hard. "Did we... did we get stronger?"

Motohama huffed and puffed. "We... We totally did, bro."

M&M high-fived. "Fuck yeah! All the ladies will want sex when they see us flex!" They ripped off their shirts and struck unimpressive poses in the middle of the sidewalk, grunting each time.

When they eventually got back home, they engaged in several interesting activities. This included eating a big bag of Doritos, watching porn, trying to sell some tissues over Ebay, and then falling asleep. Sounds like the good life.


End file.
